Fool in the Rain
by SouperDfly
Summary: Tragedy made him leave the E.D. Tragedy made him return. Nick Jordan returns with a 8 month old son and a dead fiancé. Can Zoe Hanna, Connie Beauchamp and the rest of the E.D help him through it, or is he too broken to save? Please review :)
1. Chapter 1

AN: My first Casualty fanfic, probably my last. Might continue this, I have a second chapter written, so, let me know if you want more.  
Any questions and queries, PM me. please review, even to tell me that this is the worst thing you have ever read. and I'm sorry it's so short.

* * *

Fool in the Rain

**Chapter 1**

_You swore that you'd never leave me, baby: what ever happened to you?  
_

Slowly he opened his eyes, blinking in the near darkness of the office. There was a brief twenty seconds when he awoke there, lying on the small cramped couch in the corner. A brief twenty seconds in which he, Nick Jordan awoke a different man. For just twenty seconds, the last 10,000 seconds hadn't happened. He was still a man with a beautiful wife to be, they were happy enjoying life with their 8 month old son. She was not dead, their child not motherless and his heart was not broken. It was a short lived fantasy, and when Nick Jordan, the fearless surgeon, surfaced back to reality, he struggled to breath.

With great gasping breaths he fought as his lungs burned.  
It wasn't a medical condition, no, this wasn't something that could be solved by medicine, only time could heal it, the great wound in his heart. He lost that part when his car collided with another nearly 3 hours ago.

The numbing warmth of sleep still clung to his body, taunting him back to sleep. Sat up on the sofa with a blanket over him, he was about to close his eyes again when the door to the office swung open. It was Zoe Hanna, an old friend. She stood silhouette in the doorway.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" she said as she turned to close the door. Nick shook his head.  
"Just nodding really" said Nick "Are you checking up on me?"  
Zoe chewed at her lip before sitting on the desk facing Nick.

"Charlie told me not to come in here" shrugged Zoe "I snuck in anyway"  
The slightest hint of a smile tugged at his lips, he'd really missed Zoe, more than he dared to admit.

"You haven't changed much Dr. Hanna" said Nick, as he swung his legs over the side of the sofa. "Neither have you, Mr. Jordan" she said, Dr. Hanna had missed him too, Nick could sense it her voice. Nick yawned, and rubbed at his bloodshot eyes, he looked exhausted. "Go back to sleep Nick" she said after a few minutes of watching him stare at the fake plastic plant in the corner, his eyes unmoving.

"Time is it?" asked Nick, snapping from his trance. He pulled at the blue blanket that Charlie had put over him, folding it neatly.  
"Just after 5"  
Nick stood, knees creaking slightly as he did so, he moved to the corner of the room, where his bag was.  
"I should go and feed Kai" he said, his back turned to Zoe as he rummaged through the bag looking for his son's food "bet he's hungry"  
"Oh, Charlie already fed him" Said Zoe as she watched the man in front of her "little fella's snoring in the staff room" she watched as his actions stilled, his arms falling limp at his sides. She stood from the desk "Nick?"

"Hmmm?" he turned slowly, meeting her eyes. His defensives slowly weakening as he tried to keep the tears from falling.  
"Come here" whispered Zoe, holding out her hand. He took it. She held him tight to her chest as he sobbed, tears sliding down his face. As he cried for a woman she didn't know, a woman she couldn't save.  
"I should never have come back Holby" said Nick in between sobs "Stupid Idea" he cried, with his head rested in her neck.  
"Nick you can't blame yourself" she soothed, rubbing small circles on his back. She fought back tears of her as the Déjà-Vu crept over her; she remembered Yvonne. Her heart was breaking at the sounds of his sobs, it was a sound she never wanted to hear again, but here they were.  
Again.

"I was the one who insisted she drove" said nick, through another watery sob. Zoe pulled back, looking at Nick's face.  
"Then you would be the one in the morgue" she said, swiping a tear from his cheek, Trying to make her feel better. His eyes fell to the floor, taking a deep shaky breath.  
"Maybe that would have been better" they cried some more because they both knew it was true.

"Mamma!" shrieked the child, his little brown eyes watery with tears. He'd just woken up, disorientated and alone in the Staffroom. Charlie Fairhead heard him almost immediately, quickly scrambling in to the little boy he'd left sleeping on the couch.  
"Now, now, little man" hushed Charlie Fairhead, picking up the 8 month old. He was light in his arms, lighter than he expected. Kai Jordan cried some more, kicking his tiny legs and flailing his chubby arms, desperately wailing for his mother.

"I know, I know" soothed Charlie as he started rocking the boy on his hip. The senior nurse was an old hand at this, an expert at baby wrangling. Reaching over to the sink for the Childs bottle he filled it with milk and he gave the bottle to the baby. Kai's cries calmed to little whimpers, before they stopped altogether and he went heavy in his arms. Charlie smiled as he looked down at the child in his arms. He was a good image of his father with brown eyes and brown hair, hair that was just a fluffy mess on top of his head. The rest he must have gotten from his mother.  
Charlie ventured out into the E.D, carefully closing the door behind him. Kai jerked quickly, and Charlie feared for a second that he'd woke him up, but he relaxed again, snoring softly.

"Connie?" he asked the woman who stood in front of him, Connie Beauchamp wore a strange expression on her face, a flustered expression.  
"Do you know where Mr Jordan is?" she asked him, fiddling with papers in her hands.  
"He's in the office" said Charlie, nudging an elbow in the direction of Connie and Zoe's office "I'm taking Jordan Jr here with me"  
Connie looked down at the sleeping child, brushing a hand through his fluffy hair.  
"Do you want me to take him?" she offered. Charlie saw no harm in it and carefully passed Kaj over.  
With Kai settled on her shoulder she walked the short distance to her shared office, but stopped when Zoe appeared in front of her. She took in her colleagues red eyes and streaked mascara, standing there a little shocked.

"Zoe?" she asked, concerned at her appearance. Zoe ran her hand over her face before she spoke  
"he's just in a bit of a state" Zoe looked at the sleeping boy "Little man might cheer him up" she said before walking off.  
Connie knocked on the door before entering the office.

Nick wiped the tears off his face with, his eye still red from the crying. The door opened, he expected it to be Zoe, but there in the door way stood Connie.  
"Someone wants to see you" said Connie walking up to nick. Nick took him from her shoulder quickly snuggling the lump into his chest.

"Hey little man" he whispered, kissing him on the head. Kai's little hands clung onto the shirt that Nick was wearing. Something sticky touched his hand  
"look at the state of you" said nick, as he looked down to see Kai's t-shirt covered in chocolate. Connie looked around for some wipes passing them to Nick.  
"I think Charlie bribed him with chocolate"  
He wiped the offending mess off best he could, softly cursing under his breath. Connie smiled, she hadn't seen Nick Jordan in so long, and seeing him here, as a father was rather amusing.  
"His mamma is going to go..." he slowly realised what he was about to say, how much it hurt to say it, he stumbled on the words. He looked at Connie with a strange look in his eyes. Connie turned to leave, feeling she'd overstayed her welcome.  
"No, no, Connie" he said, reaching out with his free hand "Stay please"

A desperate plea from the man with the broken heart.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Here we go, Chapter 2.  
Can I just say 50 views and only 1 review?  
Please review even to tell me it sucks.  
Chapter 3 is on it's way. :)

* * *

**Chapter 2**

They lay in bed, her long legs tangled in his, her head rested in the crook of his shoulder. She frequently told him it was her favourite place to be, here in arms. Ella Amundsen, his wife to be, was beautiful, with flowing blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Nick smiled as he recalled how they met, in Michigan, it started out as a joke at first, then he grew feeling for her. She was just a breath of fresh air, making him feel thirty again; she was so much fun to be around, always the joker. At first he was self conscious of the age gap between them, he was pushing fifty and she was barely thirty five but she healed him. He could never say it in words but she understood him, she took him and all his baggage, he could never understand what she saw in him but he was glad, glad that she was here with him.

Nick loved watching her sleep; he still couldn't believe that she was really with him. He glanced over at the clock on the bed side table, the red lights on its face informing him how late it was.  
2: 30pm. They'd been in bed all day, dozing as the day grew older, just lazily dozing on a Sunday afternoon with his lover in his arms.

"Come on" said Nick kissing the top of Ella's head, she stirred from sleep ever so slightly "Get up" he said again, this time poking her in the ribs.  
"Five more minutes" she said sleepily, rolling off his shoulder, curling herself into a tiny ball. Nick stood from the bed, pulling the blankets with him. He watched in amusement as the ball grew smaller as she pulled her legs closer to her chest, trying to keep the cool air out.

"Don't make me drag you" he chuckled, toying with one of Ella's ankles, he gave a gentle pull and the ball unravelled.  
"Come back to bed" mumbled Ella, her voice muffled by the pillow. Nick stood at the foot of the bed; Ella was going to get out of bed even if it was the death of him. He grabbed the other ankle.

"Oh, no, we're going out for dinner" he said as he gave a both ankles a big pull. Ella gave out a great screech as her arms flew out to the side of the bed. The scene reminded Nick of a cat that didn't want a bath.

"No!" she yelled, as she was pulled down to the foot of the bed. Ella glared him, as she watched his smirk grow, standing there looking smug.  
"Get in the shower" Said Nick playfully, his hands slowly moving up her bare legs. Without a warning Ella tugged at the grotty shirt he always wore to bed, It knocked him off balance and his eyes went wide "Ella, don't, No!" she gave another tug and he fell on top of her, his big body over her, hands either side of her head. She laughed, giggling as she pulled his head down to hers, they kissed, both laughing between kisses.

"I love you" she said, before kissing him.  
"I love you too" he whispered back kissing her again and again. They really were in love, there was no denying that. Eventually she pushed him off her, pointing her finger.  
"No more than three hours Nick, if we're not back here in three hours, I'll kill you"  
He promised dinner in no more than 3 hours.

That was the plan anyway.

After they were showered and dressed, Nick woke a grumpy very Kai up from his cot and wrestled him into some clothes.  
"NO!" Shouted his 8 month old son at the top of his voice, as he put him in the baby seat, his little hands nipping at his fathers, even the child didn't want to go out.  
"You're as bad as your mother" mumbled Nick as he tightened the straps on the baby seat, ignoring Kai's protests.  
"Told you this was a bad Idea" sneered Ella, leaning against the car, as she watched the commotion. Nick turned around, red faced with a glint in his eye.  
"You're driving" he said passing her the keys. She glared at him, usually she had to fight with him, just so she could drive, and here he was, happily handing her the keys.  
"You're letting me drive?" she said as he walked over to the passenger side.  
"Yes" answered Nick.  
"You're letting me drive your very expensive crap British car?" the fact he was letting her drive still failed to compute in her brain, what was wrong with him?  
"Yeah, you're always whining I don't let you drive" he said before getting in the car. He didn't want to stay in the house all day, this was a way of making her stay out, he was bribing her, and Nick knew how much she loved driving his Jaguar. However, Ella was still fiddling with the keys in her hands; she was half tempted to yell at him, to start an argument just so she could go back inside. Something didn't quite feel right. She got reluctantly got in the car, sighing as she did so. She looked to Nick giving him death glare. He knew exactly what she was going to say, and spoke before she could.  
"You promised" said Nick giving her his best puppy dog eyes "you said 3 hours or you'll kill me"  
"Fine" sighed Ella, shoving the keys into the ignition, the car roared to life as they pulled out of the drive.  
They should have stayed at home.

Back in the darkness of the office.  
Nick Jordan watched as the hands on his watch ticked, 5:30, he'd broken his promise. He sniffed loudly in the quietness of the room, his hands shaking a little.  
"I knew there was a reason she didn't want to go" he said running his hands over his face. Connie was sitting on the desk.  
"She couldn't have known" she offered, looking at the broken man in front of her. She hoped it offered him some comfort.  
Nick shook his head. Looking up at her, a pained expression on his face, he wanted closure and he wanted her to say it. Connie met his eyes.  
"She wouldn't have recovered from her injuries, even if we could have stopped the bleeding" she spoke. He nodded, squeezing his eyes tight to stop the tears.  
"Yeah"

The more he thought about it, the more it registered in his head, playing in a constant loop.  
He'd stared at death in the face too many times to count. He'd seen this situation a hundred times before, maybe even more. He'd lie awake at night he going through those situations in his head, thinking through exactly how he would act. In those scenarios he would act in the best interest of his loved one, would remain strong and do all he could, and if nothing could be done and all hope was gone, he would walk away and grieve. Remembering the happy times, not thinking about what he could have done differently and if it what did would have worked. In this situation however he acted in his usual hypocritical, dual-rule Nick Jordan way.

He acted just like before, just like Yvonne all over again. He'd been in that situation before and he still went in there all guns blazing, ignoring people that knew better, and pleading like a needy child for them to save the one he loved, like all those families before him. Like all those families with loved ones he couldn't save. Being a man who liked to be in control, he found this difficult, it was even harder this time round, it wasn't his ED anymore, it was Zoe Hanna's. He had to stand and watch people he used to work with try to save his lover's life. He watched in anguish as Connie Beauchamp, a woman whom he'd always respected; perform CPR on the woman he loved.

"Clear!" she said forcefully, holding the defibrillator to the woman's chest. The nurses stood back from the bed as a loud buzz sounded in the room. The woman's body jerked violently, there was no change, and the beeping still remained constant and deafening. Blood was still flowing freely from a gash in her torso where part of the building she hit in the crash, tore its way through her body. Outside the Pain filled cries coming from Nick could be heard amongst the chaos inside. At the top his voice he made his intention known.

"Let me in!" he yelled as he tried to barge his way in to Resus. Zoe pulled him back, putting her arms around him to hold him still.  
"No nick" she reasoned as she fought with her friends much larger body "I can't let you in there" tried to make eye contact with him, turning his body so he would look at her in attempt to calm him, seeing her former lover in this state scared her. She hadn't seen him in so long, and now he was back here in pain again.

"She's my fiancée!" he shouted back, fighting and twisting against her grip like an animal caught in a trap. She struggled with him for a while, shouting for some help, but nothing would calm him, she couldn't get through to him that he couldn't help.  
"It's my ED!" Zoe countered, shouting louder than nick, she hoped that it would calm him but it only caused people to look and stare. He stilled, looking at her with horrified eyes.  
"Get off me!" he shouted, pushing against her grip. The sweat from his palms slid against her skin as he pushed her aside, he was much stronger than her and he managed to break free of the hold she had on him.

Zoe fell to the floor, no sooner had he broken free of one hold he was held still once more. Charlie Fairhead had wrestled with many a man before but he underestimated the power of a grieving man. The wooden doors clattered as Nick was pinned against them by Charlie. Charlie was a better match for Nick's strength, managing to keep him from struggling. Hearing the commotion outside Connie looked up to see Nick's anguished face. He was desperate to get through those doors, everyone could see that, he had tears in his eyes, they were red and blood shot, his voice was weak and broke off when he shouted. What a desperate mess.

Through the window he could only watch as Connie stepped back and let one of the nurses take over. Connie's eyes made contact with Nick's bleary ones, they silently pleaded with her, _save her_ they said. Her heart broke into tiny pieces at the image of her former colleague. What she guessed was once a blue shirt was ripped and now stained with blood and motor oil. His normally neat hair was plastered to his head from the rain.

Connie started chest compressions again, adding a percussive beat to the disturbing symphony. She looked down at the woman she was trying to save, trying to distract herself from the horrible situation. There was another great clatter as Nick finally barged through into the room. Tearing himself from Charlie's hold.  
"Nick you can't be in here" she said breathlessly, exerted from chest compressions.  
"Bring her back Connie" Nick pleaded desperately, his tone like a little child, his hands twitching as he stood there at the foot of her bed.

Thump...Thump...Thump.  
Connie stopped, exhausted and short of breath, glancing up at the clock, its hands ticking past, it wasn't looking good. The woman was still in VF, her heart still too rapid to sustain her.  
"Connie!?" cried Nick urging her to go on, Nick watched in horror as a woman he once respected did nothing, he staggered over to where Connie stood, forcefully pushing her aside.  
"Step aside Mr. Jordan" she pleaded, as he took over CPR.

The symphony grew to great crescendo as Charlie, Zoe and Connie were simultaneously shouting at him, all pleading with him to stop, and in part of his mind he knew it was the right thing to do but He ignored them.  
"Get me a Thoracotomy kit!" he shouted over the noise. If they couldn't save her maybe he could.  
"Nick you know as well as I you can't do anymore" reasoned Connie, gently pulling at his hands  
"Get me a Thoracotomy kit now!" he repeated, nobody moved, they just watched as Nick, pumped away against her chest. The room had gone silent for the sounds of CPR.  
"Nick, we are just breaking ribs now"  
"No, I... I can't" he sniffed as tears ran down his face, refusing to give up. Eventually exhaustion caught up with him, his arms fell to his sides.  
"Time of death, two forty nine" stated Connie, before she excused herself from Resus.

Now here he was, sat in his old office with his old colleague. Talking about a woman she couldn't save. Kai stirred making a mewling noise, pulling them both back to the present. Connie took that as her que to leave.  
"I better get back" she said, standing up from the desk.

"Yeah" said Nick in agreement. He pulled her into a hug before she left, totally uncharacteristic of him, but then again he was grieving. Connie left the room.  
Nick took deep breath. 'Twenty to six' he said to himself, trying to keep himself focused. Kai woke up, crying softly.  
"Daddy's here" said Nick, picking up the little bundle on the couch. He settled Kai on his hip and walked back into the chaos E.D, It was time they went home.

Without her.

It was so strange saying it.  
Then it dawned on him as saw Zoe approaching him that he couldn't deal with going home yet, he couldn't face going home alone.  
"Can I stay at yours tonight?"  
"Sure"


End file.
